Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I have started back to school. I am going to be in the Elementary Ed program as soon as I get finished with this semester. When I went to register for classes this summer they told me that my GPA was not high enough to get into the program. So this semester I have take two computer classes. I had to have an A in both to get a 2.5 GPA. I have finished one class and got a 94 (A!!) in it and the other one I finish up next Tuesday night. I should have an A in there as well I just have to study for the test because I had an 86 on the last test. But I will study hard next week and get it done!!
I recently quite my job at the James Agency. I know what you are probably thinking, "man she goes through a lot of jobs." Yes I do but this time I had a legitimate reason for quiting. I could not work under the office manager and it was causing me LOTS of stress. So much stress that I stopped ovulating and was having a hormonal imbalance. The day I quit I got another job working at a preschool in Oak Grove. I will be working three days a week till school starts then I can only work 20 hours because USM helps sponsor the program and they pay me! It has been fun so far. I have only had one week there because of holiday's this week. I am also keeping Cash and Ardon James. My previous bosses children. They are so precious and I love keeping them. Cash is 2 and Ardon just turned 1.
So as a summary life is good right now. Anthony and I are still trying to have a child but with the stress that I had been having it has not happened yet. However, it will happen when the time is right! So right now I am a part-time student, wife and worker!!! LIFE IS GOOD!
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on!" - Robert Frost.
Monday, June 29, 2009
I went home this past weekend and I got really HOMESICK. I do not know if it had anything to do with being alone while dealing with this life crisis or what but I really miss BC. I miss my family, friends and just the place. It is an unexplainable feeling that I get when I go there. I feel like I can physically breathe easier. Life is less complicated and I can be me! The problem is I can't get a job there well I guess it wouldn't be much different than here! I want to move back to BC so bad but do not know if that will be best for Anthony and I. There are so many questions to answer too. Where would we stay? Where would I work? Well guess there's not as many as I thought! HA HA
Stephen called me today and there is a job in Tuscaloosa that he thinks I would be good for. Do I want to live in Tuscaloosa? Not really but if it means work I guess I could. I wouldn't have two families to see on the weekends, just one because the other would already be there. I think pretty much no matter what Anthony and I are going to be moving from Hattiesburg. I really hate being here without my family to help me get through this emotional time.
I am trying very, very hard to pull myself out of this self-pity pit that I have dug. One more week and Anthony will be home and everything will be better then.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Anthony has gone back to work for a week now. He will get back home June 4, 2009. It seems like every other time that he leaves, I get real clingy feeling. I don't want to be alone or at the house much. I have been hanging out with friends more this week that he has been gone. I just have not wanted to be by myself. I have changed my hair color again! I would post pictures but my husband took my camera with him. He also did not fix the lawn mower this time he was home!! I was a little aggravated at him for that because our lawn is the worst one in the neighborhood! I am over it now though. He did get a lot done this time he was home so I was not upset long. I am getting one of the neighbor kids to do it Sunday for me. Anthony did not like that idea but I told him if he had fixed the lawn mower I would not have to pay someone to cut it. Then again it could just be me! HA HA I never was good at cranking a push mower or gas weedeater. That is why the last time he was gone, I bought a electric weedeater!!! I cleaned house yesterday! It really needed it.
My cousin Amie is still staying with us. Not sure how long she will be with us but I don't mind her being here. She is respectful and helpful. She is going to vacum today for me and she washed towels the other day. She does my hair for free too so that is a big plus! We are cooking fish and fries tonight!! I'm going to try and get some hushpuppies from a deli here! They are so good. Some friends are coming over and we're just going to hangout!
Anyways! If you want to check out twitter and follow me my username is LuLu0706!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I wanted to tell you guys how I surprised Anthony Thursday night! It was so great! I didn't tell him that I was riding with Field to the river Thursday night. Field and I got to the river around 5 or 6. We dropped our stuff off, dealed with some construction people, and then went to walmart & lowes. It took us so long that we actually passed Anthony on the way back. He did not realise it was us so we sped (very safely) to the house! We ended up beating him there but only because he got lost twice! oh sorry he got turned around twice! ;) Well I was waiting and waiting and waiting at the mail box and he never did come. So I walked up to the house, went in, got a beer for him, and was opening the garage door when he pulled up! He was so surprised! he absolutely loved it! We had a fun weekend hanging out with friends and pulling up carpet!
We are leaving Friday at lunch time to go to Destin, FL! So that should be a lot of fun! We will be there till Monday come back work Tuesday & Wednesday and then leave Thursday morning @ 4am to go to CO! I am really looking forward to the CO trip because it will be alot of quality time with Anthony! oh yeah and Lucy!!! She is doing much better but I don't think she likes day care all that much. At least not as much as Andrea's house or Field's!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I was suppose to go to the Strawberry Festival last weekend but a Frisbee Tournament came up so that got canceled. I also learned last week, that Stephen and Quinn were spending Easter with the Davis' at the beach. So I went to AL last weekend to do Easter. After a very tiring weekend, I came home and have been resting.
This weekend, I am going to spend some me time at the house working on my yard! I am going to Bogue Chitto on Sunday to see Nannie and whatever other family I can see. Maybe this will giving me some time to get ready for the next three weeks with Anthony home. Whenever he is home, I don't get much rest because it is always go, go, go.
Anthony is getting home April 16th. He was going to go straight to Granddaddy's and I was going to meet him on Friday the 17th. Our friend, Field, is having a crawfish boil at his river house that weekend to get help moving some furniture. I got Anthony to agree to go! It is always fun when we go out there. Plus Field and Anthony don't get to hang out much now that he works offshore.
The weekend of April 23-24, we, Robin, Elliot, Anthony, and I, are going to Destin,Fl for the weekend. Elliot has a soccer tournament down there. We are looking forward to this because this was where we went for our honeymoon! It is a really special place for us!
The next weekend May 1st - 3rd has been changed so many times! First we were doing the poker run, then we were doing a Lay weekend, then the poker run , and now we are going to Grand Junction, CO! Anthony called me last night. He got a paper to go online and do a profile for the CO job. At the end of it, he was told that he would have to go to CO for a test. I am guessing it is a qualification type test. Well since we are going to Destin the weekend before we don't have money to fly or stay in hotels this weekend. So I have planned it so that we will drive the whole way (24 hrs) and camp out along the way and in CO. Anthony LOVED this idea. Not my favorite form of accommodations but we had been talking for a while about taking a camping trip and what better time than now while we still don't have children!
Speaking of children, I got my aunt flo today so in roughly 14 days we can start trying for a little angel! We are very excited about this! Things are changing so much but its all so exciting!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
While I had a free moment to think about it today on lunch, I called the FBC office to ask about the reason behind there not being a service on Sunday night. I was told that at the moment there are no services on Sunday night and would probably not be any. I was just shocked! I instantly asked "Why not?" I was told there was not a large enough interest in it!!! Shocked again! The whole reason (or I assumed) for building a new larger building was to bring more people in. Please tell me how we are going to do that if we do not have a Sunday Service for them to come to? The Sunday night service is a casual atmosphere for people to come be themselves and hear about Christ!!! As if you can tell I am very very upset by this. I wish I knew what to do.
Part of me wants to fight this! Wants to go out and demand they bring back the service and invite everyone even strangers to come. The other part of me says that I can't do that by myself. Could this be something that God is calling me to do? Or is this obstacle put in my way to find another church? I don't know what to do. I really want to go down and talk to the pastor about this but the other part of me is scared. Am I really the one for this job? How do I relay the importance of this to others?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
As Lay people, we go to different churches on weekends and minister to the churches. We minister to them in a variety of ways. When we do what we call Lay Renewal Weekends. It’s exactly what it says. We go in and lead sharing groups and the services. It’s like a big D-Now for the whole church. It is to create a revival in the church. When we do Lay Ministry Weekends, it is usually after they have already done the Lay Renewal Weekend. We go in and teach the importance of Spiritual Gifts, Ministry and the how it relates to our daily lives. In all the weekends, as the Holy Spirit leads we share our testimonies. This was not always what I like to do but it seemed to have an effect on people. We don't do the weekends for ourselves, we do them to build up the Kingdom of God. We usually get more out of the weekends than the church does really.
This was a really excited weekend for me. I had always known that Christians had spiritual gifts but never really knew the importance of them. I guess that is because this is the first time in the 3 years I've been saved that I really heard about it. Spiritual Gifts are given to only believers in Christ. It is a supernatural ability that is given by the Holy Spirit when we get saved to enable us to minister and serve. They are not to be confused with Talents. Spiritual Gifts are given to us to create a lifestyle of Ministry. Everyone (Believers) are called, gifted, equipped, and sent by Jesus to ministry to the world around us. It very important that we know what our gifts are so that we can effectively minister to others. There are lots of ways to find out what your gift(s) are either through study (prayer), trial and error, tools that analyze, or input from other Christians. I think that it is easier to find your gift through ministry that it is to find a ministry to fit your gift. Your Spiritual gift is something that your enjoy doing or passionate about that you can use for the Glory of God. Now this is not to say that the only ministry you can do has to involve your Spiritual Gift. That is not true. We have things that God has commanded us to do that are not comfortable for us to do and don't involve our Spiritual Gift. We are still commanded to do these things. We are given Spiritual gifts to motivate us to minister to the lost. Wouldn't you rather do something you like than something you don't? This is what all I learned this weekend. Now I was really nervous going into this weekend because I have not been involved in my church like I am suppose to be. I even thought about backing out but I knew that this is what I needed to do this weekend. God provided everything that I needed to accomplish His will for this weekend.
What really stuck on my heart was the passage in 2 Peter 1:10-11. Ready from 3-11 but basically what 10-11 is saying is that there is an urgency to make sure that we are all saved. It can also be interoperated as making sure that we are doing what God has called us to do; that we are living the life worthy of the calling. A lot of times we get scared about what other people may say or if they will still be our friends if we stand up for what we believe but in Isaiah 43:5 it says "DO NOT BE AFRAID, FOR I AM WITH YOU" God is going to take care of all our worries and fears if we would just step out in faith and believe in him. He is not asking for much just our lives. Wouldn't it be so much easier and simpler if we let someone else tell us what to do and how to live our lives? Well God wants to be that person. He wants us to give our all to him and in return He will bless us not only in this life but the life after this one as well! Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. I have wasted so many years of my life doing what I wanted to do and not caring about the people around me or God. I am tired of wasting my life away. I know that I am still young enough to start now and make a difference.
So I have committed my life to the ministry of Christ. I by no means am an evangelist, but I do have the gift of knowledge and prophesy. I want to take what I am learning in the Bible, what God is speaking to me through the word and tell the world about it. I don't know where God will lead me but I will go. I pray that you all will do the same! God loves ya and I love ya!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Redbox but there was a line. I told Anthony I needed a few thing for the house lets just go in and get them the come back out and get the movie. Well we ended up in the card section again and we listening and dancing to the musical cards! I know that sound dorky but we really had a good time laughing and playing together! We ended up having to go to the Movie Gallery to get the movie. We rented Australia. It was a really good love movie!
Anthony left on Wednesday about lunch time. :( He went and stayed with his cousin Jennifer & Jason so he would have to drive overnight again!
Thursday night my cousin Jonathan came over and I cooked dinner for him and his friend. Me, Field, and Amie then went to play Frisbee. I thought we were going to play ultimate but we played Urban instead. I totally suck but it was fun to be out and around people. I have decided that I am going to start going out and playing ultimate Frisbee on Thursday nights! I might even get good at it! ha ha
Friday I cut grass and was suppose to just chill out this weekend. Do some work at the office Saturday and go to church on Sunday. Well Field messages me and asks what I'm doing this weekend. I say nothing and he said "river?" I said "Sure!!!" I have been to the River 3 times and have never gone out on the River. Well he didn't pick me up until like 12ish and its about a 2 hour drive. There were 7 of us there. Field, Keri, Austin, Emily, Mari, Diana, and me.
Saturday we waited for Mari and her sister Diana to get there. I had no idea they were coming so I was really excited to see them. We got out on the river about 11. I say about because we didn't have any cell phone reception so our phones were useless and time was just not important when your down there. We were going to go out on the boat and get something to eat at this place Field likes. It was about an hour boat ride. We had to cross the Pontchartrain. The waves were so big and the boat would hit them and go in the air! It was so much fun! It was really cold though and we got so wet. When we got back we got showered and went to walmart to pick up some thing to cook supper with. After we ate we played some games. And ended the night with a dip in the River!!! Sunday we went to out on the boat again and went tubing! It was really fun but really scary with the waves. I got home about midnight last night! I was so tired I forgot to set my alarm clock and woke up an hour after I was suppose to be at work.
Tonight is going to be my night of rest! I really would love to finish cutting my yard but my arms are so sore from holding on to the tube and the boat that I don't think I could push the dang thing! The only thing that could make this weekend better is if Anthony had been there but he will be home for the poker run in may!!!!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Okay, So I had my Dr. appointment today. It was scheduled for 10 and I think I got out about 11:30 so it was not that long of a wait. I really couldn't wait to tell you guys about it. I went in knowing that there were some blood test I wanted done for blood clotting disorders. I told her that the progesterone was low with the last pregnancy. We (well she) decided that we would do the blood test I wanted. She did not give me any hesitation on it!!! Which I was surprised about. She came in to talk to me before the exam, which I liked. She didn't rush through and asked me several times was there anything else I was concerned about. She was very reassuring. She did say that even with the test and the progesterone that I may miscarry again. She said not to give up hope or faith that it may take several pregnancies but that I will have a child one day. She said I was perfectly healthy and did not see a problem with me carrying a child to term. I know that right now we can not tell for sure why or whatever cause my last two miscarriages. She is giving me the "try again and see what happens" approach but she is also doing the testing that I wanted. She wants me to continue with my vitamins and start on a baby aspirin. When I get a positive on a home pregnancy test I am to call her immediately and start taking the progesterone that I was on before when I was pregnant. She is giving me a 200mg prescription of it so maybe that will help the baby stick!!! Anthony has missed this months cycle but he will be home for my April cycle. You guys will probably know before anyone else when we get pregnant. I do not want everyone knowing until the 12 week mark. I don't want to call and tell people that it has happened again. But please be praying for us. I am very excited about this but at the same time I am a little nervous and scared. Thank you all for all your wonderful words of encouragement! Love you guys!!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Part of it has to do with Anthony being away. I have really missed him this time. Part of it is my cousins insensitive remark the other day about my choice of honoring my children with a tattoo. Even though she has had a miscarriage, she is still not sensitive to the fact that I felt it was a living, breathing person. Part of it is the prospect of us trying again and not knowing the out come of the pregnancy. I want so bad to go back to the time where I never thought I would have a miscarriage. I know that if I get pregnant again it won't be a joyous occasion. At least not until I know that I'm past the 12 week period. I don't know if even then that I will be able to be happy about it. The last few months, I have been thinking and dealing with delivery. Maybe its because subconsciously I didn't want to deal with the feelings that I would have trying to conceive again. The last part is I'm not over the miscarriage yet. I still grieve from my children. I don't want other children I want the ones I lost. I know that that feeling will never go away but I at least thought that by now I would have a better hold on it. I don't know why I would think that. It took me three years to get over my grandfathers death.
I hate being here alone. I just needed someone... anyone to hold me and no one was here. I just don't know if I am emotionally ready for this. I was watching Joe somebody on the TV. He's a preacher. Well he was talking about keeping the hope and faith up. Never give up because the worst happens right before we receive what we want. I know that God know that I want a child more than anything and I know that one day he will bless me with one. My thing is how many do I have to loose to get one? I don't think I'm strong enough to keep having miscarriages. Some women have 5 or 6 before they have children. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through that. The saying comes to mind " If he (God) brings you to it then he'll bring you through it." and the quote from mother Teresa " I wish God didn't trust me so much" talking about the saying God will never give you more than you can handle.
Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest. I have a lot of thinking and praying to do about the things to come. I think I need to deal with the last looses a little more. Oh and we don't know anything about the job in CO yet. Maybe we will hear something this week. Please keep us in your prayer.
Monday, March 2, 2009
On one hand, I really hope he was because this is exactly the break we needed to get ahead. On the other hand I will be 20hrs away from any family at all! I am very family oriented. I believe that a child is to be brought up not only by the parents but extended family as well. Aunts, Uncles, Cousin all of it. I have never live more than 1 hr & half from my Nannie! The thought of moving to AL was okay cause at least it was the next town over. This would be a new culture climate (I HATE cold weather) and everything. I know that if this works out then this is where God wants us and he was provide that family atmosphere around me there but its still going to be hard to pack up all our things and move somewhere we have never even visited!! And of course I have obsessed over the housing over there and all that. I just don't know. I just needed to tell someone!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Is it silly to be going to the Dr before you get pregnant? I mean we may not have any problems it may have just been that time? The reason I ask is because the receptionist acted like she didn't know what I was talking about when I said I need a preconception appointment. Maybe that's not how things are done. I don't know I've never done this before. At least not the proper way! With Anthony being gone so much it is really going to be hard to get pregnant. Which makes me a little sad. I really just want to be one of those couples that it comes so easy for them. You know the ones I'm talking about where it seems like they just touch and they get pregnant. I guess I'll just wait and see what the doc has to say!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
First, I will start with the birth. Now I want to give birth in a birthing center instead of a hospital. It is still medical advanced however no major medical interventions are available unless requested. Meaning I want to have a natural birth w/o drugs ie. Epidural. I do not want an IV unless absolutely necessary. I want to have a whirlpool as an option for pain management and I want to be able to freely move around and deliver in the position that I feel the most natural and best for me. I want the birthing center close to a hospital in case of an emergency. Finding a birthing center has been the problem. Seems that MS has not caught on to this natural birthing movement yet. I will keep looking though. I just feel that in a hospital all my wishes will not be able to be met and I don't want something done because it is medical protocol.
Next come my diapering decision. I have researched and decided that I would like to use cloth diapers instead of disposable ones. I know you all are thinking GROSS!! Not really. Cloth diapers have come a LONG way since our grandmothers and mothers were doing it. They make contour cloth diapers that are actually shaped like the disposable diapers with a sewn in extra absorbent strip in the wet area. You put them inside of diaper covers and would just use them like disposables. Now the first few months all poop is liquid so there is no rinsing, unless you want to. Just throw them in the wash. The reason I am doing it is because on average you are going to spend about $2500 on diapers the first 3 years per child unless potty trained earlier. With Cloth Diapers you will spent between $400 - $1500 for all children. That is a major savings.
Last is something I haven't fully decided on and probably won't until we have the child. Breastfeeding. I would love to breastfeed but just not sure if it is right for me. I want to be able to give my child the best nutrients but don't know if i could do the baby on the boob only thing. I thought about strictly pumping and bottle feeding breast milk. But I've heard that sometimes you don't produce enough milk and I would still have to strictly nurse the first few weeks anyway. I don't really want to do formula but will if i have to. I know I can do a combination of the two. You see to me the natural thing to do is bottle feed a baby. With the exception of Quinn that is the only way i have ever seen babies feed. That is the only way I have fed babies and I want Anthony to enjoy the experience of feeding his children too. It not just a bonding time for mom and baby but it needs to be that way for dad too. Or at least that's what i think.
Anyways give me your thoughts on this...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
First before you ready any farther please please watch this video. It is quite comical!!
Okay Now that you have viewed the video lets think about this. It was funny. I found it on facebook where three of my friends had posted it. One was a friend from Hattiesburg that I use to work with and sometimes partied with. The second is my childhood preachers daughter. The third is the daughter of my elementary school principle. I know all these women fairly well or I use too. Losing touch over there years and all that. All but one of these women, I know grew up in a Baptist home. In the Baptist home, there is no drinking allowed at ALL. Not even a little!
I think it is very interesting how people as they leave the nest they begin to develop personality that is different than what they were brought up with. They get to decide what is right and what is wrong and the consequences in the process. I did not drink much in high school only on two occasions and they both accrued in my senior year. I did not drink at all in my first year of college. I drank a hand full before I turn 21. Most of my drinking/partying has accrued since I have been legal. I don't do it often only about a handful of times a year. I don't really hide the fact that I drink except to my grandmother. I am sure that she knows but we don't talk about it. I know that she does not approve and I've given her enough to worry about in her life. I need not add anything else.
This is my thoughts on God and drinking. You don't have to agree with me that's fine. I believe that God has commanded us to be a pure vessel for Him. He has commanded us to not get DRUNK on wine. He has also commanded us to keep the laws of the lands. That being said.... in my opinion it is okay to drink but not get drunk or before you are of legal age to do so. It is NEVER okay to drink and drive. I also believe that if you can not control when to stop you don't need to drink. I do not always adhere to what I believe to be okay but I try. Sometimes I drink too much and do things I shouldn't. It also depends on who you are around when you are doing the drinking.
We have to live our lives by what we believe to be right and wrong. You can be taught right from wrong but ultimately it is up to you as a person to choose and live your life that way. Anthony and I were in the car last night talking about this very thing. Not drinking but sex before marriage. I did not save myself for marriage but Anthony did save himself for me. We did have sex before we were married. Just as Anthony gave himself to me thinking that we would be married as did I to the other 3 guys before him. It just so happened I was wrong and he was right. I had always been taught that it was a sin and very bad but I did it anyway. What we were discussing was how to teach our children that it is wrong to have sex before marriage but also that it is right to wait till marriage. I guess we were blessed with being able to give our children both points of view, his & mine. But that is as far as we can go. We can teach our children right from wrong but it is up to them to make the right choice. Yeah I know its a little early to be thinking about this but I'm a planner what can I say!!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
First, this means that I can set an appointment for an OB-GYN for a preconception exam. This will get the necessary test and all that the Dr. will need to better serve us. Second, it means that we are going to be one more step closer to becoming parents!!! And lastly, it means that this pregnancy will be carefully monitored with out the worry of how are we going to come up with the money if something goes wrong!
Right now I just have to find someone I like. I loved the Dr. I had before but the problem is that she does not deliver and I'm not sure I am comfortable delivering with a Dr. I have never met. Then again it may not even matter. I have been thinking of going to a Dr. in Jackson but again still not sure if I want to drive the 1:15 min to go to the Dr and deliver. There are so many options to consider as well. I think right now I am just going to concentrate on improving my health and making sure everything is in order for when the Dr. gives the okay to start trying.
I am going to do what ever the Dr. thinks is best. I had not wanted to do the whole "lets just try one more time and see if you carry to term" thing. I have heard so many stories of women who have had miscarriages and then when on to have healthy babies. If the Dr thinks we need to do some testing first than that is fine but if she thinks that we should just try again then I'll do that as well. I feel like we are ready now. Maybe not 100% but who is really ready 100%? It use to be all about getting pregnant and being pregnant that I wanted. It is so not about that anymore. I want to have a child that I can teach, love and bring up in the way of the Lord to do great and mighty things in this world. I believe that this is my purpose in life!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Elliot got to play in the College Frisbee Tournament too!!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Secret, and Coleen getting her something from Aeropostale. I know you must be thinking Addy in Victoria Secret? Well I wanted to try on this outfit and then once I got it on (Addy was in the dressing room with me) Addy declares "I want to try on!!" Being the soft hearted Aunt Lu-Lu, I let her try in on over her cloths. It was really cute, You know like kids wearing their dad's boots! Anyways she started getting fussy so we decided to leave without the shirt. Quinn said that TJ Max may have one so we pressed our luck and went there. I'm glad we did 'cause I found not only Anthony's V-day present but mine too!!! I had been wanting a Kathy Van Zeeland Belted Shopper Bag but they had been too expensive for me to get. I found them there for $40! A $90 purse for $40!! I was very pleased! Lucy and I didn't do anything once we got home! I was a little sad that I didn't get to talk to Anthony much this weekend. Okay I more than a little but I'll get to talk to him tonight! Plus I get to see him Thursday!! Only 3 more days! I hope he doesn't think he's going to Frisbee Thursday night ;)
Friday, January 23, 2009
The way I have thought about "my" family has change quite a over the years. I say "my" because that's what it has always been in my mind. I have not given the idea of my family over to God and let him be the one to decide what our family will be like until now. As I kid, I grew up half my life with my mom, dad, sister & me. I guess we were happy don't really remember a lot. Then @ age 10, my sister & I went to live with my grandparents. Two years later, It was just me and my grandparents. Now until living as an only child, I only wanted two maybe three children. After living as an only child and being surrounded by family, I wanted at least 5. Now I was very vocal that I did NOT want to birth 5 children. I told Anthony that we would have as many as it took naturally to have a boy (men wanting to carry on the blood thing). After that, we would adopt the rest. My thinking it was no since in having a bunch of children (just for name sake) when so many already need a home. That is how I was thinking until May of 2008. When faced with the thought that I might not ever have any of my own, I immediately started thinking that I wanted to carry all of my children that I could. I didn't want to miss out on the wonderful feeling and bonding that takes place when a mother carries her child. I guess that is how a lot of mothers feel. I still am not closed to the adoption idea. I still want to adopt some of my children. I know this is too early to be saying but I would just be grateful at this point to carry just one of my children but would be okay not carrying any of them. I don't know what God has planned or in store for Anthony & I. I know that whatever it is it will be for the best. I really just want whatever God wants.
I have also been thinking about what it means to have a child. What changes will have to be made in mine & Anthony's life. I really want a baby right now but I've been trying to figure out why I want one so bad. This section is going to be real honest thoughts so please don't get offended. Some changes that will have to be made is my sleeping that anyone who knows me knows I need. I am going to be a cranky stressed woman. Anthony & I will have to save enough money for when I'm on maternity leave to cover our bills. We have no savings right now so we would have to figure out how to make that. We will have less time for each other. No more late nights out with friends. No more "Hey lets go to the river this weekend" on Friday nights. So many things are going to change. Anthony and I have a nice comfortable life. Do I really want to bring a baby into the mix when we've just gotten to where we can enjoy each other without school and everything else getting in the way? I guess the big question that I don't have an answer to is Am I ready to be a mother? Am I ready for someone to depend solely on me? I simply don't know. Is anyone really ready?
I have also been thinking was am i ready to be the spiritual leader for this child. This is my blog where I can go and be honest without fear of persecution. I have not been to church since I lost the last baby. I know many of you are thinking that I blame God. No I don't. I am grateful that God has been here for me to help me. I am grateful to God for taking care of my babies where I couldn't. I am sure that if I really sat down and thought about it, I could figure out why I haven't been back but I don't want to. I have not lost communication with God. As many times as I have failed God, I don't want to be the reason that my child fails Him or doesn't get to know him. There are changes that have to be made before I will be ready to teach my child in the ways of the Lord. I don't know if I need to make those changes before I have a child or If those changes will come because of the child.
Wow sorry for such a deep and heavy post. I just needed to put all my thoughts and fears out there so that I can over come them. Well since I do not have a child to brag about I will brag about Lucy! She did the funniest thing last night. I was laying on the couch playing ball with her when I threw the ball and knock the desk trash can over. She got scared and wouldn't go get the ball. Well after barking several times at the can and it not moving, she decided to go get the ball. She got it very cautiously and brought it back. Well this went on for a couple of throws. Well usually she will jump down and start running before I can throw the ball. I threw it and it hit the can again. She came running back to me so fast she hit her head on the coffee table and wet the floor she got so scare. When I told Anthony about it last night, he started rolling laughing.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
This is right after we got her! I miss how small she was!!
This her in her sweater at Thanksgiving!
This was just the other night! Look how big she is now!
So I guess we are up to recent new now! Anthony will be home from his second hitch on Jan. 29th. He will have been gone for 6 weeks when he gets home! I miss him terribly. This hitch has been the hardest because I have not seen him since Dec. 17th.
We are planning to start our baby journey next month. Anthony will be able to sign up for health insurance starting Feb 1st. We will then make an appointment with an OBGYN in here in Hattiesburg for a preconception visit. At that time, We will let her know we have had to pregnancy that did not come to term and see what she wants to do from there. I am not completely comfortable with the lets try again and see if you miscarry again but If she thinks that is best we will do that. If not I guess we will begin fertility testing to see why I didn't carry the pregnancies. I'll be keeping you all posted about all that. I am just hoping for the best.