I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about babies! Really, it seems like that's all I think about sometimes. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to bring a person into the world. You know the cost, responsibility and everything else that goes along with having a child. I also am thinking about the spiritual aspect of it.
The way I have thought about "my" family has change quite a over the years. I say "my" because that's what it has always been in my mind. I have not given the idea of my family over to God and let him be the one to decide what our family will be like until now. As I kid, I grew up half my life with my mom, dad, sister & me. I guess we were happy don't really remember a lot. Then @ age 10, my sister & I went to live with my grandparents. Two years later, It was just me and my grandparents. Now until living as an only child, I only wanted two maybe three children. After living as an only child and being surrounded by family, I wanted at least 5. Now I was very vocal that I did NOT want to birth 5 children. I told Anthony that we would have as many as it took naturally to have a boy (men wanting to carry on the blood thing). After that, we would adopt the rest. My thinking it was no since in having a bunch of children (just for name sake) when so many already need a home. That is how I was thinking until May of 2008. When faced with the thought that I might not ever have any of my own, I immediately started thinking that I wanted to carry all of my children that I could. I didn't want to miss out on the wonderful feeling and bonding that takes place when a mother carries her child. I guess that is how a lot of mothers feel. I still am not closed to the adoption idea. I still want to adopt some of my children. I know this is too early to be saying but I would just be grateful at this point to carry just one of my children but would be okay not carrying any of them. I don't know what God has planned or in store for Anthony & I. I know that whatever it is it will be for the best. I really just want whatever God wants.
I have also been thinking about what it means to have a child. What changes will have to be made in mine & Anthony's life. I really want a baby right now but I've been trying to figure out why I want one so bad. This section is going to be real honest thoughts so please don't get offended. Some changes that will have to be made is my sleeping that anyone who knows me knows I need. I am going to be a cranky stressed woman. Anthony & I will have to save enough money for when I'm on maternity leave to cover our bills. We have no savings right now so we would have to figure out how to make that. We will have less time for each other. No more late nights out with friends. No more "Hey lets go to the river this weekend" on Friday nights. So many things are going to change. Anthony and I have a nice comfortable life. Do I really want to bring a baby into the mix when we've just gotten to where we can enjoy each other without school and everything else getting in the way? I guess the big question that I don't have an answer to is Am I ready to be a mother? Am I ready for someone to depend solely on me? I simply don't know. Is anyone really ready?
I have also been thinking was am i ready to be the spiritual leader for this child. This is my blog where I can go and be honest without fear of persecution. I have not been to church since I lost the last baby. I know many of you are thinking that I blame God. No I don't. I am grateful that God has been here for me to help me. I am grateful to God for taking care of my babies where I couldn't. I am sure that if I really sat down and thought about it, I could figure out why I haven't been back but I don't want to. I have not lost communication with God. As many times as I have failed God, I don't want to be the reason that my child fails Him or doesn't get to know him. There are changes that have to be made before I will be ready to teach my child in the ways of the Lord. I don't know if I need to make those changes before I have a child or If those changes will come because of the child.
Wow sorry for such a deep and heavy post. I just needed to put all my thoughts and fears out there so that I can over come them. Well since I do not have a child to brag about I will brag about Lucy! She did the funniest thing last night. I was laying on the couch playing ball with her when I threw the ball and knock the desk trash can over. She got scared and wouldn't go get the ball. Well after barking several times at the can and it not moving, she decided to go get the ball. She got it very cautiously and brought it back. Well this went on for a couple of throws. Well usually she will jump down and start running before I can throw the ball. I threw it and it hit the can again. She came running back to me so fast she hit her head on the coffee table and wet the floor she got so scare. When I told Anthony about it last night, he started rolling laughing.
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Karen...You are right--a baby changes EVERYTHING! Praying for you!
ReplyDeletekaren, i have enjoyed your blog, it has reminded me that i felt very much like you at some points in my life--some of those feelings i had sorta forgotten about. I remember being all about "baby", reading everything i could find and thinking and dreaming all the time - couldn't get it out of my mind. i remember thinking about the changes we would face, the financial side of it, and worrying if we were really ready. it is an exciting and scary idea at the same time. all of these feelings are normal - as I read your blog, I saw so much of myself. I also have experienced miscarriage. two miscarriages. I'm sure you've already noticed that miscarriage is fairly common. I never realized that until I had one myself, and then was amazed at all of the people that came forward saying "it happened to me, too". I miscarried at 11 weeks (almost the end of the first trimester) with both of mine. We had heard the heartbeat and saw ultrasounds of both of them, so we didn't expect miscarriage for either one. Skipping forward a little, I have two wonderful, beautiful, perfect children now. So, I said all of that to really say this: I understand your feelings and concerns. Don't let the miscarriages bring you down. Stick to God's plan. Honestly, I have never been closer to God than when I miscarried and the months following when I felt so desperate to get pregnant again. And, of course, during pregnancy, too. Wow, life is such a miracle. You will meet your two Angel Babies (that's what we call ours) one day. We have two angel figurines that symbolize our angel babies and I still think about them and wonder what they would look like, etc. I still think about them on their due dates and the dates that I learned of their loss. Maybe this will help you and Anthony too. I'll keep yall in my prayers - I know where you are and I understand... let me know if you need someone to talk to.
ReplyDeleteBabies do change things. You talk about giving up a part of your life that you feel you have just achieved. The freedom to do as you please when you please. I can tell you honestly that in the scheme of things that never even entered my mind. Yes there are and were times that I thought my life would have been so much easier if I had not had children or if I had only had 1 or 2, but then I look at the memories I have and the chaos I I thrive in every day..... I have always believed that children are a reward from God. Maybe a more apt word would be a consolation. ;).........
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