Today was one of those bad days for me. It been exactly 8 months today that I lost MaryAnn. I really wasn't thinking about it this morning. I woke up with my eyes irritated so I didn't get up and about till about 11 this morning. I needed to go to Wal-Mart and did but I had just been in a funk all day. I went to the book store to get some pregnancy books, since we are starting down that path. I found a book called, After Miscarriage. I got it to read on the reasons and things that they do for it. After getting home, I got to reading it and just couldn't quite crying. I thought that I had dealt with this. I think that its a collection of things that had just bottled necked till today.
Part of it has to do with Anthony being away. I have really missed him this time. Part of it is my cousins insensitive remark the other day about my choice of honoring my children with a tattoo. Even though she has had a miscarriage, she is still not sensitive to the fact that I felt it was a living, breathing person. Part of it is the prospect of us trying again and not knowing the out come of the pregnancy. I want so bad to go back to the time where I never thought I would have a miscarriage. I know that if I get pregnant again it won't be a joyous occasion. At least not until I know that I'm past the 12 week period. I don't know if even then that I will be able to be happy about it. The last few months, I have been thinking and dealing with delivery. Maybe its because subconsciously I didn't want to deal with the feelings that I would have trying to conceive again. The last part is I'm not over the miscarriage yet. I still grieve from my children. I don't want other children I want the ones I lost. I know that that feeling will never go away but I at least thought that by now I would have a better hold on it. I don't know why I would think that. It took me three years to get over my grandfathers death.
I hate being here alone. I just needed someone... anyone to hold me and no one was here. I just don't know if I am emotionally ready for this. I was watching Joe somebody on the TV. He's a preacher. Well he was talking about keeping the hope and faith up. Never give up because the worst happens right before we receive what we want. I know that God know that I want a child more than anything and I know that one day he will bless me with one. My thing is how many do I have to loose to get one? I don't think I'm strong enough to keep having miscarriages. Some women have 5 or 6 before they have children. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through that. The saying comes to mind " If he (God) brings you to it then he'll bring you through it." and the quote from mother Teresa " I wish God didn't trust me so much" talking about the saying God will never give you more than you can handle.
Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest. I have a lot of thinking and praying to do about the things to come. I think I need to deal with the last looses a little more. Oh and we don't know anything about the job in CO yet. Maybe we will hear something this week. Please keep us in your prayer.